“My roommate's boyfriend is a third roommate who has never bought toilet paper.”

He is here five nights a week. He showers here. He eats here. He has opinions about my parking spot. He has never once bought toilet paper, and last Tuesday he used the final roll and left the empty tube on the holder like a monument. I want back-rent, payable in toilet paper.

My boyfriend is a guest. Guests do not buy household supplies; this is ancient hospitality law. Also, he bought the household a plunger in April, which I consider payment in kind and frankly an act of heroism.